Savoring the Memories

With my man getting back so soon, I have spent ALL of my time thinking about him. I read through all of our old e-mails. While going through some, I found two different entries that I had to share with those of you who know me, but have never heard this. This is just my heart on paper.

(September 15, 2004)

Why I love him:
Wow, that is so hard to pin down entirely...He is an amazing guy, who loves God...he is one of the few guys I have meet who is strong enough not to take my crap...He knows when I am trying to talk my way around him, or corner him and he calls me on it. He is easy to talk to, and for some reason even though we have been talking for 3-5 hrs a day (sometimes up to 10) for the last 4 months we have not run out of things to talk about. We have a lot of the same passions...I am very outdoorsy, and love to do crazy adventurous things (like white water kayak, hike, snowboarding, rock climb)...I wanted someone who could keep up with me and push me to be more active. Even though he is almost 2 years younger than me...I have no problem letting him make all the decisions (this is a very hard thing for me since I am a very independent woman)...and despite my tendency not to trust men (due to a very painful past)...he has totally won me over...I have no problem opening up to him and making myself vulnerable. I knew that he was not the type of person to show weakness...which was something that made me hesitate about him...but he has totally opened up about that and has begun to rely on me more. He has lost some of his toughness, and it has been replaced by this insane passion...this capacity to care about the good things in life and to want to hold on to every second of them. I know that he has never had a girl treat him right...it is amazing what a different side of him has opened up since he came to visit. When he had to go...I was shocked to see him crying...I was shocked that I wasn't the one with tears running down my face...I didn't feel anything, but as soon as he left me and went up the escalator I had to run out the door with tears pouring down my face...I sat in the car for a good half an hour praying and weeping...I have never had to do anything so hard as watching him walk away and not knowing when he would be back. God just gave me an amazing amount of peace and I knew that it would be ok...I didn't know how, but I knew that in the end it would all work out. He has been the kindest, most passionate man...he has taken such good care of me...he has always been there for me when I needed him, telling me that it was going to be ok...he wakes up early to make sure that I am up for work when we had been up late the night before on the phone. He helps me unwind at the end of a long day...he is filled with so much passion and when most of it is directed at you...it is hard not to fall for him. Now he needs me as much as I need him...it is nice to have that going both ways...I know that he would not make a decision without my best interests at heart. There is so much more, but I am having a hard time putting it all into words right now...I am so overwhelmed with how much I care for and love him...I want only the best for him...and if that means that some day I will have to turn and walk away...I would do it as long as he was happy.


(September 17, 2004)

It doesn't make sense that I have fallen this hard for him...from my logical standpoint I would have never put the two of us together...if I had meet him in person before getting to know him...I would have immediately ruled him out. We are two totally different people from two totally different backgrounds...but we both place the same value on relationships...we both prefer quality time...we will both fight to make things work...we would both look out for the other's interests first...we both believe in the importance of open honest communication...we understand the importance of making sacrifices to make a relationship work...we are both ready to walk away from every earthly thing that we have for each other...we have shared our fears with one another and have helped each other get past them...we have shared all of the demons in our past and forgiven each other for them...we are both starting to change from our way of life to conform a little more to the other's...we share the same ideas of marriage and parenting...we have already set boundary rules for fighting (I promised that he would never have to sleep on the couch...we promised to resolve whatever disagreement we were having before we went to bed...and we promised to never forget that underneath it all we still love each other)...We both know that no matter what we will always fight for our marriage.

Due to all the changes going on in my life...I didn't want to start a relationship...I am a city girl...he is more a "skater punk"...I am 2 Frickin years older than him...he has tattoos (big no no in my fam)...I can't wear my 4" heals with him...he is in the air force...I am a college grad. I am not saying that I hate any of the differences...these are just examples of reasons that my logic would be so against us dating...yet...he is absolutely perfect for me...I would have never found someone who would have been better. I thank God every day that he helped me see past my logic...that he brought him into my life the way he did, when he did.

Light at the End

So, now that the end to our time apart is within sight, I am getting giddy with excitement. But, this excitement is tainted; so many people keep telling me that this will bring a whole different dynamic to the relationship. They say that now that we will both be living in the same area, we can finally get to know each other, and figure out if we are really going to last. I am told almost daily that we haven't yet had a real relationship because of the distance. Now, they feel, we can finally get to know each other.

To all of those people, listen up!!!

I KNOW that both of us living in the same area is going to be different. I know that there are going to be days when we get together after work, and both of us have had rough days. It won't be like before, when one of us was on vacation, and the other working.

But, hear this; all the time apart didn't keep us from having a relationship; it simply caused our relationship to develop differently. We would talk for long hours every day, we learned about each other's pasts, our fears, how to communicate. The distance didn't make us a weaker couple because we weren't confronted with each other's quirks; it gave us a strong base that helps us get past the quirks to who the person really is.

The distance gave us the freedom to share our deepest secrets, our buried scars, and all of the other painful things that make us who we are today; the things that sometimes make us over react in a relationship. Sharing all of that introduced us to a comfort and a closeness that helped us make it through the awkward stage of understanding how to relate to one another.

Although we still haven’t had much time together, I don’t think that effects our status as a couple. No, we don’t have the same experiences that a lot of couples do. But, most couples who have been together as long as we have don’t understand each other as well as we do.

I can tell you all of his quirks, all of his facial expressions, what mood he is in or if he is holding something back by his vocal inflections. I don’t need him to be standing in front of me to tell you if he is smiling, I know him so well, that I can tell when something is bothering him, and know what is needed to make him feel better about it.

The thing that I love the most about our relationship is that I love him just the way that he is, but I know him well enough to see the man that he so easily can become.

We have already talked about what having him live here would do to our relationship. We have discussed ways of making sure that our relationship will continue to develop appropriately. How we wanted to spend our time together, what nights we wanted to spend with other people, we thought of a lot.

All that I am saying, is that you can’t know what goes on when you aren’t around, so don’t spout your judgmental, pseudo-psychological bull-shit at me. I haven’t judged your relationships, or the men that you choose to date, because I know that I don’t see most of your relationship.

-JT

P.S.: Hey handsome- I can’t help but continue to count down the days. I go shopping, because I want to look good when you get here. I can’t wait for all of the evenings that we have planned. I am so glad that we have been able to deepen our communication lately. I am often astonished at how much we share with each other. You captured my heart a long time ago, and every day since then, you have managed to make me fall deeper and deeper in love with you. I am already amazed that I can love someone this much, but I know that I will love you so much more for the rest of my life. All my love forever, your baby always.

Still Dreaming

I found out not too long ago that I needed to move by the end of the month. This upset my man, because this is the third time that I have moved since we started dating, and he has yet to be here to help. I am excited about my new place, but I am more excited about the memories that I know we are going to make there. This will be the first time that we will be able to go on regular date nights, and get to spend time together in the context of our regular lives. He has been reserves for three months, but still living the active duty life. It will be interesting to see him in civilian life, when he has spent his entire adult life in the service. He may not get any time adjusting to it, since he is thinking about taking an Active Guard Reserve position, or going back to active duty.

Sometimes it is hard to think that the man I am going to marry is going to spend our whole life together living the military life. I am still not used to what the military life entails. I know that whatever he does, as long as he is happy with it, we will be better off. I would rather have a husband who worked late nights, and got called in whenever, than one who brought the stress, and dissatisfaction of his job home with him.

So I guess in the end, if having a happy husband means leaving the only area I have truly called home, so be it.

I would follow that man to the ends of the earth, just to be able to spend time with him. But for now, I guess that I am stuck still dreaming about when we will be together.

But my dreams are so bold and beautiful, and the more time that we spend apart, the more vivid they become. They interrupt my work, as soon as I am finally able to focus on a project; they rush to the forefront, all fighting for my attention. There are dreams of us cooking together, or walking hand in hand, spending a lazy Saturday afternoon laying on a blanket in the park reading to each other. It feels like I am watching my own life unfold on a screen in my head, and then something jolts me back to the present and reminds me that all of those images are nothing more than a distant hope.

My whole being aches for the day that they are a reality and not just a daydream. It is this drive, this hope, and passionate longing that keep me going each day. I spend the entire day looking forward to when he gets off and I get to hear his beautiful voice on the phone. Our entire relationship reminds me of the old adage, ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’. Maybe it is true, and maybe it isn’t; sometimes the frustration of the distance gets to me so bad that I am ready to give up. I start thinking that there is no point; we will never be able to be together, that we are destined to spend forever apart. But then I think of the times that we have together; they are the blinding light piercing the darkness. The joy and happiness from each of those gems, is so radiant that it makes all of the pain, heartache, and frustration seem so insignificant. I would put up with ten times more just for one of those amazing moments.

Sometimes I find it so funny that when in a difficult situation, we so quickly let go of everything that makes life so beautiful. We are so overwhelmed by the darkness around us that we forget that there are things in life worth all of that pain and suffering. We so often look back on how long our tough time has been, and we forget to look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. Our society has taught us to look for the negative in life and use it to bring other people down. When really we should all be looking for the positive in life, and use it to brighten another’s day. Think of what our society would be like if instead of trying to get ahead by tearing other people down, we simply tried to help those around us out. Have you ever noticed how much of a difference a kind word can make in someone’s day? If every day we looked for just one way to complement someone else, or to help out in such a small way; our society would be revolutionized in a few months.

I guess now I am going to spend all of my time looking for the good in life, not ignoring the bad, but not focusing on it. I am going to hang onto and treasure all of the little things that make life worth living, and let go of the problems that I can’t change. I long to stop dreaming of life, and to start living it!

-JT

P.S.: Handsome- I love you with such an intense passion that I am often shocked that my little body can carry that much strength and conviction. I will never stop dreaming about you being here until you are; you are my life (or at least the best and biggest part of it). Whatever decision you make, I will follow you. I can always find another engineering firm wherever we move; you won’t be able to find a job that you can be satisfied with in very many places. My life is yours, I trust you, follow God’s leading and your heart, and I know I will be taken care of. You are the most amazing man I have ever met, and not even my father has ever taken as tender care of me as you. Dreaming of your voice; your baby forever.

Time

A little under a year ago, a military man walked into my life, and I had no idea what he was going to do to my life!! As we got to know each other better, he would tell me time and again that he didn't want to put me through the rough life that surrounds the military. He didn't want me to have a man who could not be there for me because of his job. He is one of the many who joined the military after September 11th, he felt that Americans should never have to witness what happened ever again, and if he could give his life to prevent something like that from happening, then it was a small price to pay.

I am not one of the Americans who can quickly forget what happened on that day, or will question why we are in Iraq. Someone with a lot more information than I have made that decision, and sometimes the best defensive is a good offence.

I don't feel that all because someone chose to make a sacrifice to protect their country, they should be denied a life. As I told him, and I am now telling every military man who questions why they are dragging someone they love through a hard time, I chose this life. I chose to date him, knowing full well that with him nothing is certain. Every time I have to put him on a plane, I am not sure exactly when I will see him again. At any moment, he may need to up and leave for any amount of time. There is a chance that some day he could be sent to Iraq or some less dangerous place and never come back. Now with him joining the security forces, and having a higher deployment rate, and with me still not getting more than two months worth of time with him since we meet. I still chose to stay right here, no matter how tough the times get, it is worth it to have you, no matter how long or short that amount of time is.

Now he will be deploying to the Middle East just before the time we were planning on getting married. I knew that I wouldn't get the fairytale life that I imagined, but what I got was so much better. Even if all that I get is the short time we have had so far, I would never regret for a second the decision that I made. He has taught me to hang on to the good things in life, to not take for granted the time that we have together. We may not have had much time together, but we haven't wasted it with things that just fill time. We have spent our time together talking, and doing things together. We are in the habit of taking walks together, and making dinner together. I have very happy memories of every moment that we have spent together.

I miss him so much, and he is still Stateside, I think that most of it is just his sudden departure. We have spent our entire relationship on opposite coasts; I met him just after he returned from a deployment. We would spend an insane amount of time on the phone, wondering when we were going to meet in person. After figuring out how perfect we were for each other, we have been trying to find a way to live in the same area. Finally I got to help him move out here to the beautiful West Coast, where he is from. That is when I got hit in the face with what I had got myself into; one day I am helping him move in, and the next I am helping him pack to leave (it is one thing to have him need to suddenly leave when all that you do is talk on the phone, he can always still talk; it is another when you finally get time to spend with him and he is leaving).

I know that there are tougher times ahead, and I use every opportunity that I have to strengthen our relationship, and give us the tools that we will need to see it through. To all of you who have someone to go do something with every Friday and Saturday night; don’t take what you have for granted. There are plenty of us who would give so much to be able to see our special someone just for an hour each week, heck, I will settle for five minutes. I just want to be able to see his face, to look deep into those beautiful eyes and tell him that I love him. I love you baby, so much, and I miss you like crazy. I will be right here waiting for you to get home, and I promise that I will be fine while you are gone. I will always find a way to make it through.

To all of you military men out there, thank you from all of us, and don’t think for a second that your sacrifice has gone unnoticed. There are plenty of us here who love you, pray for you, and support you no matter what.

-JT

PS: Hey handsome, I miss you, I spend so much of my day thinking about you and looking forward to when you will finally be here. I just wanted you to know how much I love you, and that there is nothing I wouldn’t do to keep us strong. I will plan the wedding all by myself, say screw the big wedding and get hitched by the AF Chaplin, whatever it takes. I am all yours forever, I will spend the rest of my life pampering you and trying to show you how much I love you. Always dreaming of you, your baby always.