Still Dreaming

I found out not too long ago that I needed to move by the end of the month. This upset my man, because this is the third time that I have moved since we started dating, and he has yet to be here to help. I am excited about my new place, but I am more excited about the memories that I know we are going to make there. This will be the first time that we will be able to go on regular date nights, and get to spend time together in the context of our regular lives. He has been reserves for three months, but still living the active duty life. It will be interesting to see him in civilian life, when he has spent his entire adult life in the service. He may not get any time adjusting to it, since he is thinking about taking an Active Guard Reserve position, or going back to active duty.

Sometimes it is hard to think that the man I am going to marry is going to spend our whole life together living the military life. I am still not used to what the military life entails. I know that whatever he does, as long as he is happy with it, we will be better off. I would rather have a husband who worked late nights, and got called in whenever, than one who brought the stress, and dissatisfaction of his job home with him.

So I guess in the end, if having a happy husband means leaving the only area I have truly called home, so be it.

I would follow that man to the ends of the earth, just to be able to spend time with him. But for now, I guess that I am stuck still dreaming about when we will be together.

But my dreams are so bold and beautiful, and the more time that we spend apart, the more vivid they become. They interrupt my work, as soon as I am finally able to focus on a project; they rush to the forefront, all fighting for my attention. There are dreams of us cooking together, or walking hand in hand, spending a lazy Saturday afternoon laying on a blanket in the park reading to each other. It feels like I am watching my own life unfold on a screen in my head, and then something jolts me back to the present and reminds me that all of those images are nothing more than a distant hope.

My whole being aches for the day that they are a reality and not just a daydream. It is this drive, this hope, and passionate longing that keep me going each day. I spend the entire day looking forward to when he gets off and I get to hear his beautiful voice on the phone. Our entire relationship reminds me of the old adage, ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’. Maybe it is true, and maybe it isn’t; sometimes the frustration of the distance gets to me so bad that I am ready to give up. I start thinking that there is no point; we will never be able to be together, that we are destined to spend forever apart. But then I think of the times that we have together; they are the blinding light piercing the darkness. The joy and happiness from each of those gems, is so radiant that it makes all of the pain, heartache, and frustration seem so insignificant. I would put up with ten times more just for one of those amazing moments.

Sometimes I find it so funny that when in a difficult situation, we so quickly let go of everything that makes life so beautiful. We are so overwhelmed by the darkness around us that we forget that there are things in life worth all of that pain and suffering. We so often look back on how long our tough time has been, and we forget to look forward to the light at the end of the tunnel. Our society has taught us to look for the negative in life and use it to bring other people down. When really we should all be looking for the positive in life, and use it to brighten another’s day. Think of what our society would be like if instead of trying to get ahead by tearing other people down, we simply tried to help those around us out. Have you ever noticed how much of a difference a kind word can make in someone’s day? If every day we looked for just one way to complement someone else, or to help out in such a small way; our society would be revolutionized in a few months.

I guess now I am going to spend all of my time looking for the good in life, not ignoring the bad, but not focusing on it. I am going to hang onto and treasure all of the little things that make life worth living, and let go of the problems that I can’t change. I long to stop dreaming of life, and to start living it!

-JT

P.S.: Handsome- I love you with such an intense passion that I am often shocked that my little body can carry that much strength and conviction. I will never stop dreaming about you being here until you are; you are my life (or at least the best and biggest part of it). Whatever decision you make, I will follow you. I can always find another engineering firm wherever we move; you won’t be able to find a job that you can be satisfied with in very many places. My life is yours, I trust you, follow God’s leading and your heart, and I know I will be taken care of. You are the most amazing man I have ever met, and not even my father has ever taken as tender care of me as you. Dreaming of your voice; your baby forever.